[DL] Counter-proposal to subjects of the English monarchy [ot]

[Allan Seyberth <darious@darious.com>]

We, the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more
amusing union, hereby extend an offer to the people of that quaint
little island known as England (or Great Britain, or whatever) to become our
51st state. Given your reluctance to embrace full European unity, along with
the challenges of competing economically on your own, this would seem to be
an ideal step forward for you. There are numerous benefits.

1. Your government may remain mostly intact. Each of our states has its
own administration, and if you want to continue under a Parliamentary
system and call your governor a 'Prime Minister' . . . well, we think that 
would
be very cute and would encourage you to do so. Your laws would need to
jibe with our Constitution, but we expect that you would enjoy having actual
rights under the law, for a change.

2. You can keep the royals. Of course, the Windsor family would have no
actual legal standing, but let's face it, they don't count for all that
much now. Their value as a tourist attraction is unquestioned, though, and
we expect Disney will greatly enhance their appeal once it assumes
administration of the various palaces and castles. You should feel free
to bow or curtsey or do headstands or turn cartwheels or whatever nonsense
you think they'll find amusing when you meet, but as citizens and not
subjects you need no longer feel obliged.

3. A clean break from Europe.  Admit it: you're dying for this. Yes,
it's a shame you can't manage it on your own, but get over it. However, as
America's trading gateway to the continent, your economy would soon be
booming.

4. Minimal cultural impact.  For those of you worried that your streets
will be filled with American fast-food franchises, your cinemas filled with
mindless American movies, we would suggest that you take a look around.
It's already happened, and it ain't going away. As for language, you should
preserve your charming accents and even spell or pronounce words
however you like. We're not sticklers for that sort of thing.

5. Superpower status. The Empire isn't coming back, so this might be
the next best thing. Over here, we'd be happy to see you take over the
American involvement in NATO. Over there, you would probably enjoy having the
French and Germans bluster and whine about your clumsy leadership in the
alliance, but falling into line like little puppies when you finally get around
to deciding what should be done.  It's really good fun, once you get the
hang of it.

6. Your own stamp!  Sadly, the pound must go. You can migrate to the
dollar gradually, but look on the bright side: at least it isn't the Euro,
whose paper notes feature drawings of imaginary places because there would
never be agreement about which country's cities or leaders should be on which
denominations. We'll even put an English historical figure on a new
note or coin (Churchill is the only one we know, but you can take your pick).
We can't allow any royalty on our currency, alas, but there's no reason we
can't put the Queen and family onto postage stamps.

If you're reluctant to go for full statehood, we might be able to work
out something like the deal we give other island dependencies, such as
Puerto Rico or Samoa.  But we think you'll enjoy having your own
representatives in Congress, fighting to have useless Federal projects 
established in the
State of England to boost your local economy.  And we know you'll love
participating every four years in the world's most important election.
You don't even need any particular voting equipment -- any outdated system
you already have will suffice. Just fax in your vote totals whenever you
can agree on them.

-------------------
Allan Seyberth
darious@darious.com
Deadlands fan site - http://www.darious.com/

Take this remark from Richard poor and lame,
Whate'er's begun in anger ends in shame.
                 -Poor Richard's Almanac 1734