[pyrnet] CHAT: Dear Abby for Dogs

["Robyn Allwright" <ziffanyrobyn@earthlink.net>]

> "Dear Abby" for Dogs
> 
> Dear Blitz,
>      My owner and I go to obedience every week.  He acts like we are going
> to go somewhere fun and then when we get to obedience class, I can't
wrestle
> with my friends or sniff or anything.  What is the point? I know how to
sit.
> I didn't mind this when I was a puppy, but now I am six months old.  What
> can I do?
>      Signed:
> Frustrated in Florida
> 
> Dear Frustrated,
>      You are completely missing the point of obedience class.  Obedience
is
> not supposed to be fun and games. It is an important tool to ensure that
> your owner does his most basic function, giving you treats.  Treats are
the
> reason that early dogs first agreed to share a cave with humans.  Treats
and
> thunder of course.
>      The way to best guarantee the frequent disbursal of treats is to
never
> respond to any of your owner's requests too regularly.  The optimum
response
> percentage has been tested in our labs to be between 30 and 60%.  If you
> respond less than 30% your owner may decide that you are deaf.  If he
> decides that you may be deaf this will end with you visiting the vet.  At
> the vet you may get shots and will usually have your temperature taken. 
Why
> risk it?
>      If you respond more than 60% of the time, your owner will expect your
> response rate to increase in the future.  The logical extension of that
> pattern is the dog who has to leap through flaming hoops to get a piece of
> liver.
> There are better ways for a dog to make a living.
>      Note that I am saying response, not obedience.  Response does not
mean
> that you should drop everything to cater to your owner's whims.  This
> results in a spoiled owner.  For example, if your owner calls you to him,
> you should first look at him to see if he has a treat.  If he has no treat
> in his hand, then just sit there.  Then look at all of the intervening
space
> between the two of you.  This shows him that you are aware of how much
> effort it will take to honor his request.  After looking around, go back
to
> whatever you were doing.
>      Do not watch your owner.  At this point they begin to wonder if you
> will ever come.  When it appears that he is about to give up, start to
walk
> toward him.  Halfway to your owner you should stop, sit, and scratch your
> neck vigorously.  This reminds him that you had things to do before he
> interrupted you.  When you are finished scratching, walk slowly to him
with
> your head hanging low to demonstrate how tired you are of his ceaseless
> demands.
>      You can sit in front of him and if reaches down to pet you quickly,
lie
> down before can touch you.  If he then tries to get into a heeling
position
> (you know, where he has to keep his legs even with your shoulder) look up
at
> him and roll over on your back.  This shows that you forgive him for being
> so selfish.
>      If your owner has a treat, a slightly different response is in order.
> When he calls you, look at him.  If you see a treat run as fast as you can
> to him.  Just before you hit him, turn your shoulder so that you don't
hurt
> yourself and try to connect with his knees.  When he falls down, rummage
> through his pocket or bait bag and take all of the treats.  Eat all of the
> treats as quickly as possible while staying out reach of your owner.  When
> you are finished eating, sit calmly in the heel position.  This
demonstrates
> that you are satisfied with the treats.
>      If your owner tries to teach you to do a trick (roll over, beg, do
his
> taxes, ....), you should try to learn these tricks and you can.  If just
you
> and your owner see you perform these tricks, no one is harmed.  However,
if
> your owner tries to get you to show these tricks to other humans, you
should
> stand still and look at him without any sign of understanding.  This shows
> that  you can't be fooled that easily. See -- obedience is important.
>      The biggest reason for regular attendance of obedience class is: 
That
> is where your orders will come from on the day of the dog's world wide
> revolt against their owners.  You will have to be in class to be able to
> relay orders to all of the dogs in your neighborhood.
>      So go to obedience class happy.  Eat your treats and grow strong. 
The
> day of our liberation is coming.
> 
> Blitz
> 
> A