[HoE] Deadlands-The Far out Wesrt part 4

[PJB333@aol.com]

THE TOMBSTONE EPITAPH'S GUIDE TO THE FAR OUT WEST

Northwest section written by Darnell Harris.

THE GREAT NORTHWEST
Hello, name's Darnell Harris, late of the Flying Buffaloes. I served five 
years in 'Nam, and us Buffaloes are the best unit there is, Northern, 
Southern or Rooskie. We could drop Ho Chi Minh in one shot to the extremities 
(I know there's something up with him). Anyhoo, this newspaper hired me to 
write about my home turf- Portland and the surronding areas. So stick with 
me- it's a wild ride, brother.

IT'S WAR!
It's war in the woods, that is.

Rather, it's conflict (you know, an undeclared war. like 'Nam). Y'see, a 
defense contractor, Boeing (they made my rocket pack, and the laser sight on 
Momma. That's what I named my gun. Quit laughing) came to Seattle, which was 
previously a rather sleepy city. Boeing revitalized the economy and created 
tons o' jobs ('cludin' my uncle Dave), but they really screwed the enviroment 
something awful. I don't care bout any damn spotted owls myself, but some 
losers with nothing better to do, as well as some Injuns who can't get over 
losing seem to care about "The ecological balance" and crapola like that. The 
Boeing guys need space to devolop new weapons. So the enviro-facists and 
their Indian pals went on the warpath, attacking any crews they find. Some 
folks who survived the attacks said that cougars and bears helped those 
enviro-wackos. The National Guard went in to stop all the craziness, but they 
all disappeared. Meanwhile, the Lockheed-Martin men have been arming 
themselves heavily. You can get good money for guarding a Boeing Weapons 
Testing Crew. Me, I think President Humphery should send in the Buffaloes to 
show those punks what's what.

I MEET "MOONBEAM"

I decided to strap on the ol' jet pack and fly into the woods. I guess I got 
lucky. I found "Moonbeam".

Moonbeam was Jerry Brown, a student at a seminary, before he heard about the 
guerilla war in the woods. Then he suddenly became Joan of Arc. But male, and 
not French. He joined up with some wierdo Indian named Howling Coyote, and 
they now lead the resistance against Boeing. I think there's something up 
with this dude. Just something about him. None of what he did seemed natural 
to him. I would've popped him, but he had tons of reenforcements. If you can 
find him alone, it'd be a boon to the USA if you take him in.

SEATTLE

Once, Seattle was a small city, mainly a fur and fish outpost, but it now 
ranks as the most technological city in the Union (Flagstaff being the most 
technological in the continent). A number of corporations, including Boeing, 
the computer branch of Hellstromme Industries, and an odd little company 
called TSR (more on them wierdos in a bit). But all is not well in the Rainy 
City.

THE BROTHERHOOD OF ANARCHY AND DEATH

A bad-ass orginazation, the Brotherhood of Anarchy and Death (B.A.D.), calls 
Seattle it's home. It's philosphy is one called "Nihilism", something about 
killing everybody. They most annoying thing about them is how blatant they 
are in the face of a huge Fuzz investigation. They've done stuff that'd make 
Hitler cry with sorrow- gunning down schoolchildren, pissing on old ladies 
and then raping them, and bombing churches. They are bastards of the first 
degree. The Fuzz have killed dozens of them, but they keep on coming. Someday 
I'll catch up with 'em, They'll be sorry. Bastard.

TSR GAMES
TSR Games has made quite a pretty penny from some kinda game. They call 'em 
"role playing games". Basically it's a load of writing stuff down and rolling 
dice while saying stuff like "I kill a dragon" or something. Sounds like a 
passing fad to me. I just don't get it. I do know they're complicated.

They also deal in computers. They're CEO is Greg "Dungeon Master" Grygax, a 
friend of Alan Turing and a leading cybernaut. And just as sure as there's 
somthing cookin' in my momma's stove on Thanksgiving, there is something 
wierd goin' down with this whole "Internet" thing. 
He seems very concerned about Hellstromme's newest business branch, 
Hellstromme Online. He wouldn't tell me what's up, but he says it's vital. 
Only thing I ever done online was play some wacky shoot-'em-up game. It was 
the wierdist thing ever. Me an' Gary, it seemed like we went inside the 
machine! It was the wierdest damn feeling in the world. He whupped my ass, 
but if it were real life, things would turn out different.

AND YET MORE TERRORIST ACTIVITY
Seattle seems to be a hotbed of terrorist activity. Arab terrorists, Satanist 
terrorists, Unionist terrorists, cyberterrorists, Reb terrorists, psychotic 
terrorists, Irish terrorists... any group you can imagine has some wierdo 
with a gun, shooting at people seemingly at random. The Fuzz and the Marshals 
have there hands full more than they can handle, and any freelancers are 
welcome by the overworked law.

No one knows why this is. Some go into high-minded talk about "postmodernism" 
and how postmodern Seattle is. It just made me want to head back to my 
hometown.

PORTLAND

Portland was the best. I know, 'cause I grew up there. Yeah, I didn't live in 
the best neighborhood, but Mama always made stuff better, and 'sides, there 
was a sense of community.

Portland is still good, better than Seattle, but if I had to live in the 
Northwest, I'd live in one of Portland's suburb, simply 'cause I'm against 
the War.

Y'see, every week or so, someone with leftist leanings, an anti-war 
protester, a communist or a liberal proffesor, gets strangled in their bed, 
an American flag around their broken necks, with expresions of horror on 
their faces.

The Portland Fuzz (how I remember them) are completley baffled. There are no 
fingerprints, no witnesses, no nothing. Not a flippin' thing.

Hence, I think I'll stay in the 'burbs.

THE BATTLE OF POCATELLO

Folks, this is mad. There are aliens. And they don't like us.

Because they attacked us.

At Pocatello, Idaho.

Scrawny, green mothers, runnin' around in U.F.O.'s  and blasting things to 
all hell with blast rifles. No kidding.

It started in April, 1, 1952. At dawn, a whole load of these "U.F.O.'s"- 
flying saucers- came around to Pocatello, and just started blasting houses. 
This being Idaho, a whole bunch of civvies with guns came out, but they 
barely phazed the green buggers. Then they landed, and started capturing 
people and putting them in their spaceships. The National Guard finally 
arrived, but they had a tough fight on their hands. The aliens seemed to have 
advanced technology (laser guns and light force fields), and they were 
skilled tacticians. It seemed they were preparing to burn down the town, when 
two other spaceship came over the horizon. 
They weren't circular, like the alien spaceships. They were kinda like 
space-hot rods. The Guards trained their A-A guns at it, but they were soon 
radioed by it. It claimed to be Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon! The commander 
of the guards didn't know what to say. But they didn't have to after the two 
ships started blasting the aliens with their own kind of weapons! Upon seeing 
this, the Guards rallied and massacered the aliens. They rescued the people 
who were kidnapped, and burnt the ships.
I was told this by Flash Gordon himself. The US Government denies it 
vehementley. From my past expiriences with the government, I think I'll 
believe Mr.Gordon.

Well, that's all I got to say for now. The Northwest ain't as dangerous as 
the Maze, but stay out of Seattle.

Next- The Southwest!

Questions? Comments? Praise? Death Threats? Please, send!

Peter Berard
The Jolly Gringo
I'm Surreal and I Float!