[DL] Deadlands Fiction Contest, or: MasterCard, I'm Bored.

["Jeff Shoffner" <shoffner@usit.net>]

Well, I don't have a short story, but I do recall a joke that was set in the
Wild West, let's tinker with it to make it set in DL.....


It was a typical night in the city of Dodge, when a stranger walked into the
Longbranch Saloon.

[high pitched voice]  Howdey, bartender, my name is William T. Blueblood the
Third, but soon, everyone is gonna know me by the name, "Wildcat" Willie!

[bartender looks skeptical] So, what it'll be?

Wildcat:  I'll take a sasparella, thank you.  Yes sir, I aim to make myself
a name in these parts!  I've been studying the art of gunslinging, & if i do
say so, I am the best shooter in the West, bar none.  That's why I took the
name "Wildcat" Willie; every famous gunslinger has a colorful name, you
know.

[bartender looks at Wildcat in disgust while sliding him a kiddy drink]  Is
that so?  Well, this here is Dodge, mister, & to be blunt, kids like you are
a dime a dozen.  You don't look like you stand up against a school marm, let
alone someone like Texas Pete, or "Gloves" Johnson, or Ronan Lynch.

[Wildcat scoffs loudly] Ronan Lynch?  Is he even still alive?  That old
geezer is slower than molasses in February!  I could outgun him any day.

Don't talk so loud unless you want to get ventilated, son.  Ronan Lynch is
sitting right over there....

[Wildcat nervously turns to see Ronan Lynch sitting at a table, playing
cards with three others]  ::gulp::  Well, uh, perhaps I should introduce
myself... [Wildcat over to Ronan Lynch]  Mr. Lynch, sir?  I am pleased to
meet your acquaintance!  My name is William T. Bluenose the Third, but soon
the whole West is gonna know me as Wildcat Willie, fastest gun in the West.

[Lynch hardly acknowledges Wildcat as he studies his cards]  Beat it, I'm
playing poker.

Uh, yes sir, Mr. Lynch, but before I go, could I get your autograph?
[Wildcat pulls out a notebook & sighing, Lynch grudgingly complies]  Gee,
thanks Mr. Lynch.  One day, I hope to be as famous as you!  I've been
practicing gunslinging for two years now--fastdraw, border shuffle, road
agent's spin.  Just last week, I bought me the finest pair of Colt
Peacemakers money can buy.  I intend to make a name of myself, yessir!

[Lynch takes a skeptical glance at Wildcat]  Ya do, do you?  Being a great
shooter is more than having pretty guns or being quick on the draw-- you
have to be able to hit what you're aiming too.

Oh I can do that, Mr. Lynch! Why, I could shoot out the eyes of a gopher at
twenty feet!

Uh-huh.

It's true!  Why let me show you.... Uh, see that piano player over there?  I
bet I can quickdraw with my right hand, & shoot off that gold cufflink on
his right sleeve without making him miss a note!

[Lynch scoffs]  Sure, kid.

Watch me!  [Wildcat whips out his right gun, & in a blink of an eye, shoots
off the piano player's right-hand cufflink.  Oddly, the piano player's
rhythym never changes.]

[Lynch looks somewhat admiringly at Wildcat] Well, that is some fine
shooting, but a great gunslinger could've done that with his off hand.

[Wildcat draws himself up proudly] I can do that with my off hand.  Watch
the piano player's cufflink on his left sleeve. [Wildcat quickdraws his left
pistol, & neatly shoots off the other cufflink.  Again, the piano player
calmly continues playing.]

[Lynch looks at Wildcat with a slight smirk]  That is some good shooting!
Now, would you mind if I gave you some advice to help you out a little?

Why sure, Mr. Lynch!  I'd be honored if you give me a few pointers!!

[Lynch folds his hand of cards, points over to the kitchen]  Well, my first
piece of advice is you should go back in the kitchen & ask cookie for some
bacon grease.  When he gives it to you, cover both of them Peacemakers with
as much of that bacon grease as you can.

[Wildcat looks perplexed]  Uh, well, uhm, how is that gonna help me?

[Lynch grins from ear to ear] Well, I'm sure that once Sheriff Wyatt Earp is
done playing Camptown Races, he's probably gonna stick both them Peacemakers
up where the sun don't shine.

Cheers

Jeff S.