[pyrnet] Doggie Humor

["Barb Bowes" <bamb@monmouth.com>]

From another list

 Are You A Dog Person?

   ~ You have a kiddy wading pool in the yard, but no small
children.
   ~  Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
   ~ You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic
places around
the house, but no
   babies.
 ~ The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen
sink, to keep the
   dog         out of it while you're at work.
~ You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because
there are
nose-prints all over the
inside.
~ Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant
other.
~ You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
   ~ Your dog(s) sleep with you. ~ You have 32 different names
for your
dog. Most make no sense,
but they understands.
~ Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not
immediately
   afterward, of         course).
 ~ You like people who like your dog. You despise people who
don't.
   ~ You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
~ You talk about your dog the way
   other people talk about their kid.
~ You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from
   your dog. ~ You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog
can be
comfortable.
~ You'd rather  stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog
than go to
the  movies  with your
   sweetie.
 ~ You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one
of the
very few places
              that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog
loves to go
with you.
 ~ You open    your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use
for
pick-ups pops out.
~ You get an extra-long    hose on your shower-massage just so
you can use
it to wash your   dog in
the tub, without making the dog sit in hip-deep in water.
~ You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back
yard
chirping  "Meg, pee!";  over and
over again, while Meg tends to play and   forget what she's out
there for
(but what your neighbors
think of your behavior is    yet another story).
~ You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same
day. Your dog
   sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy
from the
drugstore.
~ Your    dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber
and build
her a small staircase         so
   she can climb onto the bed by herself.
 ~ Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your  dog.
~ You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
~ You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one
else's)
 ~ You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance
you get.
~ You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore. ~ You
skip
breakfast so you
   can walk your dog in the morning before work.
 ~ You are the only idiot walking in the pouring    rain because
your dog
needs her walk.
~ You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more  because
you need to
go home and see
your dog.
 ~ Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
~ Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
~ Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for
a hike
(both days).
~ You keep an extra water dish in your  second-floor bedroom, in
case your
dog gets thirsty at night
(after all, her  other dish is way down on the first floor).
~ You never completely finish a piece of food (so    your dog
gets a taste,
too).
~ You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can
reach all
her favorite    spots.
 ~ You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because
   your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
 ~ You keep eating even after finding a dog  hair in your pasta.
 ~ You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
 ~ You carry pictures of  your dog in your wallet instead of
pictures of
your parents, siblings,
significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

      And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:
   ~ Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

***************

The Top 20 Reasons why Dogs don't use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got
Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pets.com
instead of
working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11.  Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail-wagging.
10.  Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable
Thumb.
09.  Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
08.  'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
07.   Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice
recognition software.
06.   SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
05.   SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!
04.  Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
03.  Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
02.  Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online
chat rooms.
and the Number

And the #1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

01. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
       ( * 1. Too Hard To Type With Paws. )