Re: [DL] Universities and Mad Science

["Eric Young" <ecyoung@mediaone.net>]

| On a similar vein, has anyone had their Mads make up
| completely unrealistic theories, ie heat is the
| absence of cold particles, or light is the absense of
| darkness?
|
| I could picture someone making a cold thrower or dark
| latern using this philosophy.

But Light really IS the absence of Darkness... For years it
has been believed
that electric bulbs emit light. However, recent information
from Bell
Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs do not emit light,
they suck
dark. Thus they are now called dark suckers. The Dark Sucker
Theory,
according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence
of dark, that
dark has a mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
travels faster
than light.
The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark.
Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is
less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers than
there is
elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker, the
greater its
capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a
much greater
capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers
don't last forever. Once they are full of dark they can no
longer suck.
This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A
candle is a
primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You
will notice
that, after the first use, the wick turns black --
representing all the
dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil
next to the
wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because
it got in
the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very
limited range.
There are, fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs in
these cannot
handle all of the dark by themselves, and require the use of
additional
dark storage units. When the dark storage unit, referred to
by some as a
battery, is full it must either be emptied or replaced
before the
portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction
from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an
operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special hazard because the dark
must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a
large quantity
of heat, which makes it inadvisable to touch an operating
candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and
deeper you
notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach
a depth of
approximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness. This is
because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water and the
lighter light
floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized
to
humankind's advantage. Dark which has settled to the bottoms
of lakes
can be pushed through turbines to generate electricity. In
this way dark
can be forced into the oceans where it can be safely stored.
Prior to the invention of the turbine it was much more
difficult to get
dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians
recognized this
problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe
traveling in
the same direction as the flow of dark, Indians paddled
slowly, so as
not to stop the flow of dark. When they traveled against the
flow of
dark they paddled quickly to help push the dark along its
way.
Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If
you stand
in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet you
notice
that, as you slowly open the closet door, light slowly
enters the
closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are not
able to see
the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that
dark
suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. So the
next time you
look at an electric bulb remember that its function is
actually that of
a dark sucker.


Eric